I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
You Might Also Like
This sounds bad:
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
*puts cutlery down*
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
The future is now.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner