A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I think they could have phrased this better
ouch
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk