me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
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”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
🙂🙃🥹
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?