Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
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What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
How I like cutting carbs
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.