Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
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Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.