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@3sunzzz: Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
@mrjohndarby: sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you're free to go
@thatUPSdude: [first date]
Me: You into role playing?
Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind?
Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free.
@BuckyIsotope: Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
@McGrumpenstein: Romeo: ...arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
@KyleMcDowell86: *sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
"No no, allow me"
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*