Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
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According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Running from your problems is cardio .
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]