ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
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Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there