me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
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Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell