Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
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Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.