ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
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One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*