When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
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*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine