ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
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My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Worlds greatest photobomb
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.