Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
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Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
my fav colour is also hitler
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
work smarter, not harder
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.