@Audenary

Me: But can robots write poetry?!

Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all

Me: [Choking back tears] Dude

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@Overxposd

My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”

I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”

@hippieswordfish

*sees red lobster commercial*
oh shit that looks good
*goes to red lobster*
what the absolute hell happened in here

@TheMichaelRock

The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%.

– Me explaining to my son why he can’t have a sister.

@Ochie2S

Me: So,… tell me a little bit about yourself

Date: I’m a small fruit that grows on a tree!

@pauleggleston

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

@MrSandeepP

My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time.

@asamantha321

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

@GrillinChillin9

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!