Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Me: But can robots write poetry?!
Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all
Me: [Choking back tears] Dude
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Stay through the end of Hansel & Gretel to see Nick Fury kick Jeremy Renner out of The Avengers.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[picking name for new puppy]
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?
-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
My neighbors headboard kept me up last night so I yelled,” the guy last night made her scream louder.” Then it got quiet..
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”