My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”
I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”
Me: But can robots write poetry?!
Droid: We do not cry / when we are small / for we were never born at all
Me: [Choking back tears] Dude
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*sees red lobster commercial*
oh shit that looks good
*goes to red lobster*
what the absolute hell happened in here
The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%.
– Me explaining to my son why he can’t have a sister.
Me: Has anyone seen my superglue?
Mountain Goats, giggling: Nope
Me: So,… tell me a little bit about yourself
Date: I’m a small fruit that grows on a tree!
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My ex is going to make some guy very happy one day but completely miserable the rest of the time.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
God: you’re a zebra.
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!