Me: But do you really have what it takes to be as cool as me?

*coolly tosses cashew high in the air, smoothly catches cashew in trachea, suavely chokes to death on cashew*

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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!



Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.


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Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.


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9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad


If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.