if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Me: But do you really have what it takes to be as cool as me?
*coolly tosses cashew high in the air, smoothly catches cashew in trachea, suavely chokes to death on cashew*
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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.
Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
9: What’s mom gonna be?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.