@BeeeejEsq

Me: But do you really have what it takes to be as cool as me?

*coolly tosses cashew high in the air, smoothly catches cashew in trachea, suavely chokes to death on cashew*

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@chuchugoogoo

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

@druuuck

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

@anerdonfire2

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

@VancityReynolds

People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.

@ShellHasDragons

Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.

@findmydolls

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

@WittySassBasket

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

@iwearaonesie

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad

@McFluffy537

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.