Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
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Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.