Me: But do you really have what it takes to be as cool as me?

*coolly tosses cashew high in the air, smoothly catches cashew in trachea, suavely chokes to death on cashew*

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[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”


Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”


Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95


I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.


“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.


But people, if you have a gift card that is all used up, do not drop it in a urinal please—it’s a Big letdown to fish it out all for nothing


HUMAN BODY: I can grow a fully formed human baby in like 9 months. I’m talking brain, functioning respiratory system, eyeballs, everything.

ME: Cool, cool. How long will it take for my twisted ankle to feel better?

HUMAN BODY: 7 years and it will never be the same.



Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.


I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say “You’re tired I should go.”