@jabba_jabba_jaw

Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?

God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.

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@StellaRtwot

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

@aneesa_p

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

@musculardog

People change.

Except for that homeless guy down the street. Pretty sure he’s had the same clothes on since the 90’s.

@radtoria

SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma’am, that’s a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE

@molly7anne

Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.

@meatgrindr

Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me

@1MeLrO

Of course I touch myself when I think about you

It’s called a face palm

@PaperWash

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

@daddydoubts

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

@electrolemon

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife