2017 whatsapp notification:
Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you
Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?
God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.
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I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I am in:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
“You know what this sexist comment needs? Acoustic guitar.”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)