@jabba_jabba_jaw

Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?

God: That’s when you were dating that psycho. I wasn’t sticking around for that.

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@ZaynabHashem2

2017 whatsapp notification:

Linda read your message and texted Morissa and they decided to go to McDonalds without you

@sixfootcandy

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

@seanforhire

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

@PopeAwesomeXIII

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

@BuckyIsotope

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

@RuthAnnJoy

“You know what this sexist comment needs? Acoustic guitar.”
-country music

@BoomBoomBetty

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

@YayForJam

Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart

@joshcomers

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)