me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Another interesting #factupdates post!
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.