me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
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Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
*limbos away from your hug*
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.