me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too