Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
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Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…