@Browtweaten

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

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@stinky_blinders

Pizza: *comes out of oven at 450 degrees*

My brain: I bet this time I can immediately put some in my mouth without any repercussions

@drankturpentine

ILLUMINATI: *drinks chicken noodle soup and gets a good night’s rest*
WELLUMINATI: I’m feeling much better

@bobvulfov

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

@causticbob

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

@J0hnnyBlaze

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

@GawdOffalTweets

just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

@_Water_Baby

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

@ThaJawn

Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?

God: no…..

Angel: *holds up platypus

God: a little..