Pizza: *comes out of oven at 450 degrees*
My brain: I bet this time I can immediately put some in my mouth without any repercussions
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
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ILLUMINATI: *drinks chicken noodle soup and gets a good night’s rest*
WELLUMINATI: I’m feeling much better
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend
“I am going on a trip.” “Mushrooms or acid?”
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Angel: God.. Were you drunk creating last night?
Angel: *holds up platypus
God: a little..