Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
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The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
*checks Timeline*…
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
who wore it better?
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.