My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
You Might Also Like
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?