First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
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I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Very problematic
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
You sure about that?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.