Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

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day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home


I’m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought “Hogwarts” was an STD


That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”


Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever


Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.


*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy


when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.


Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can’t even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.