Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

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If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible


Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.


Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”


The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.


Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said “strip down facing me,” she meant my credit card.


If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.


5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.


“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”


Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.