ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
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Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
My dad.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
#damn