Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Me: But, the conditions are terrible..
CPS: For the last time, ma’am, we will not take your children. Your gonna have to hire a babysitter.
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Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
“Sorry, I fail to see how I ‘misled’ you when my profile CLEARLY says I’m ‘a total cat person’?” – half-cat/half-person being after bad date
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I start every argument off with “first of all…” like I’m really going to school them, but my second point is always just name calling.