@HarmonyRambles

Me: But, the conditions are terrible..

CPS: For the last time, ma’am, we will not take your children. Your gonna have to hire a babysitter.

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@dhumann

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

@timdonakowski

Want the secret to success?
Want 2x the energy without having to diet?
Want to add 20 years to your life?
Want less shoulder hair?

Me too.

@PaperWash

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

@KentWGraham

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

@mrbuster60

“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician

@patrickmarkryan

Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage

@SaltyCorpse

Me: I’ve had a migraine for two days.

My dog: OK, I’M JUST GOING TO BARK AT EVERY LEAF OUTSIDE SO THEY’LL BE QUIET OK? BRB

@aveuaskew

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly