@HarmonyRambles

Me: But, the conditions are terrible..

CPS: For the last time, ma’am, we will not take your children. Your gonna have to hire a babysitter.

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@sarahjoyshockey

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

@abbycohenwl

Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare

@blade_funner

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

@LizHackett

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

@prufrockluvsong

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

@juliussharpe

I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler’s diarrhea.

@treydayway

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

@runolgarun

“Sorry, I fail to see how I ‘misled’ you when my profile CLEARLY says I’m ‘a total cat person’?” – half-cat/half-person being after bad date

@Quartzjixler

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

@myles_morrison

I start every argument off with “first of all…” like I’m really going to school them, but my second point is always just name calling.