Its a close one
Me: But, the conditions are terrible..
CPS: For the last time, ma’am, we will not take your children. Your gonna have to hire a babysitter.
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You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
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Want less shoulder hair?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician
Two drivers crash into each other. They both finish writing their texts before getting out of their cars to inspect the damage
Me: I’ve had a migraine for two days.
My dog: OK, I’M JUST GOING TO BARK AT EVERY LEAF OUTSIDE SO THEY’LL BE QUIET OK? BRB
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”