Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
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ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
so weird how every mom was born today
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.