Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
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[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her
Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital
Dr: that’s where the morgue is
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.