@SvnSxty

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

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@Maxine12333

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

@DrakeGatsby

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

@anerdonfire2

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

@psybermonkey

Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her

Husband: what??

Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital

Husband: oh

Dr: that’s where the morgue is

@3sunzzz

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

@weinerdog4life

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

@TheTweetOfGod

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.