Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Maxine12333

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

@DrakeGatsby

[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.

@TheToddWilliams

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

@anerdonfire2

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

@psybermonkey

Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her

Husband: what??

Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital

Husband: oh

Dr: that’s where the morgue is

@ShortSleeveSuit

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

@3sunzzz

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

@weinerdog4life

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

@Swishergirl24

On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?

@TheTweetOfGod

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.