I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
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me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
if ur dating a gym rat ur single to me. what’s brad gonna do beat the shit out of me? oh really? oh ok yeah I was kidding lol literally a joke haha im sorry
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
*emailing professor after exams*
it hAs been An Awesome And greAt yeAr thAnks for the AmAzing clAss you hAve tAught me A lot
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars