Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

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I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?


me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep


Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.


[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)



if ur dating a gym rat ur single to me. what’s brad gonna do beat the shit out of me? oh really? oh ok yeah I was kidding lol literally a joke haha im sorry


Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.


“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.


*emailing professor after exams*

it hAs been An Awesome And greAt yeAr thAnks for the AmAzing clAss you hAve tAught me A lot


The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars