Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
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My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
good work, everybody
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.