Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
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Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
me, too, girl. me, too.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism