Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*



Me: But what will I eat?

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Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.


HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*


Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.


Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!


I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT


My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”

I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.


god: behold, my creatio–
people: some rocks are more important than others
god: what?
people: i would literally kill for the yellow rock


9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.