Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
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it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see