me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

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7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.


Husband: how come we don’t ever eat anything fancy anymore, like before we had kids?

Me: that’s not true

Husband: oh yeah, what’s for dinner tonight?

Me: (whispers) ˢˡᵒᵖᵖʸ ʲᵒˢᵉᵖʰˢ


I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.


Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?


People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection


[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”


Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99


as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died