@KateWhineHall
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
@PleaseBeGneiss
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
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@KateWhineHall
@Divergentmama
Husband: how come we don’t ever eat anything fancy anymore, like before we had kids?
Me: that’s not true
Husband: oh yeah, what’s for dinner tonight?
Me: (whispers) ˢˡᵒᵖᵖʸ ʲᵒˢᵉᵖʰˢ
@TheOneTrueDisco
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
@danagould
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
@MarfSalvador
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
@lolzdonz
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
@ThugRaccoons
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
@WheelTod
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
@junejuly12
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
@electrolemon
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died