I’ve discovered the best way to get attention is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
You Might Also Like
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
If Ben Affleck played Daredevil and Batman does that mean that he’s blind as a bat?
crazy how after i got my braces off i never heard from my orthodontist again…like no calls no nothin…no guidance…am i still on the right track Dr. Payne please answer it’s been ten years I need you
“Please stop being mean” – Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle
PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook
CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?
PETER PAN: yeah
CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?
PETER PAN: …i’m sorr-
CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad