@simoncholland

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

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@seamussaid

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

@joshgondelman

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

@MaryJustice86

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

@markydoodoo

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

@TheDeducers

*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red

@GarrettCake

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

@CulturedRuffian

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

@Spaziotwat

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

@heatherlou_

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

@SCBamaMan

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.