Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
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went fishing caught a bass
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
every college guy’s fridge