Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
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*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly