Me talking to someone five years older than me: ah yes we’re practically the same age
Me speaking to someone six months younger than me: hello small child, it’s a big ol’ world out there
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
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In my house there are 5 females, 9423 pony tail holders, 49 bottles of nail polish, 8 justin bieber posters & 1 very patient, worn down man.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex