@Carbosly

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

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@Jasmin__Kaur

Me talking to someone five years older than me: ah yes we’re practically the same age

Me speaking to someone six months younger than me: hello small child, it’s a big ol’ world out there

@NotJPo

In my house there are 5 females, 9423 pony tail holders, 49 bottles of nail polish, 8 justin bieber posters & 1 very patient, worn down man.

@SuperRandomish

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

@druuuck

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

@JustinSayne722

I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.

@pauvrelapinou

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

@OfficialBanks93

If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working

@Ivsy01

Her: I need advice.

Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

@MyNameIsArchaic

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex