Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…