[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
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A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip