I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
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[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice