Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
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A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN