@KWalps

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

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@_sleepysmile

People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.

@coolauntV

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

@bobvulfov

FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”

@murrman5

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

@ericsshadow

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

@Karate_Horse

OPRAH: ok everyone reach under their seat!
ME: [i pull out a picture of the man next to me]
OPRAH:[brandishing a knife] now kill that person

@usedwigs

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

@HatfieldAnne

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

@causticbob

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

@3sunzzz

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.