Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

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Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer


I’ve replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes.

Now we wait.


To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.


Witnessed the best party exit of my life yesterday: an adult told the six-year-old, “I like your unicorn backpack.” The girl paused on the steps and, without even casting a backwards glance, said, “Maybe you can get one someday.” Then she disappeared through the doggy door


I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.


cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil


Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again


When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”



Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?

Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!

Therapist: No.


[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow