@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

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@MartinMurtagh

Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked “what would you like to do most to my body?””identify it” probably wasnt the right answer

@ilovepie84

I’ve replaced my neighbors toothpaste with Napalm, and left him a free pack a cigarettes.

Now we wait.

@WilliamAder

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

@britrbennett

Witnessed the best party exit of my life yesterday: an adult told the six-year-old, “I like your unicorn backpack.” The girl paused on the steps and, without even casting a backwards glance, said, “Maybe you can get one someday.” Then she disappeared through the doggy door

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

@IamEnidColeslaw

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

@TheClifBob

Escape room, but it’s just me locking myself in the car again

@YINGY_FLEMMMING

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

@SlothSlouch

Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?

Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!

Therapist: No.

@murrman5

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow