@warmyellowlight

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

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@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

@RodLacroix

I slept like shit.

– how adults say “good morning”

@RobWeb79

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

@earnestaugust

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

@egg_dog

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

@dulcetry

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

@MissSassy_Pants

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

@sir_shithead_I

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.