me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
You Might Also Like
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
*limbos away from your hug*
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
dictator is short for richard potato
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.