me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
You Might Also Like
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
smh
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Mad Max: Furry Road
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!