Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
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[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
*watches the world burn*
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.