@BoogTweets

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

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@farahfergie

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

@ValeeGrrl

Sex is cool but have you ever tried folding a load of laundry and having no matchless socks leftover in the end?

@TheresNoGodzila

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

@anbrll00

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

@teir3s

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

@KentWGraham

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

@subtweetopath

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

@newLettuce

Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake

Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt