@BoogTweets

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

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@TheMainlandBlog

Maybe if I do the opposite and let my kids eat off the floor, more food would end up on the table.

@DaddyJew

Me: what do you want to be when you grow up?

Son: happy

Me: no, something reasonable

@capnwatsisname

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

@TheWeirdWorld

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

@SCbchbum

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

@F5X11

You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control

@juliussharpe

Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don’t want to look at you.

@SkinnerSteven

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

@frogpissmouth

[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears