Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

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Maybe if I do the opposite and let my kids eat off the floor, more food would end up on the table.


Me: what do you want to be when you grow up?

Son: happy

Me: no, something reasonable


Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.


I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.


The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.


You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control


Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don’t want to look at you.


FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that


[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears