Maybe if I do the opposite and let my kids eat off the floor, more food would end up on the table.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
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Me: what do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: no, something reasonable
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don’t want to look at you.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears