“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
no
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.