Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Finally!
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
My dating profile:
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*