@Aikiwomannc

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

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@JustBeingEmma

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

@gruffybeard

9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.

@ohthatbadger

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

@Matty_Softmitts

I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”

@LorieGZ

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

@Darlainky

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

@junejuly12

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

@baconacid

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

@alexlumaga

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods