I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
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I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
thanksgiving in nutshell
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
i wish i could marry a nap
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.