Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

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My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.


9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.


Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.


I confuse “playing dead” with “playing dumb” so if I ever encounter a bear I’ll probably be like “Listen, I don’t even know how I got here.”


I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’


Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.


Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?


Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working


Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money


God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods