Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
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My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Don’t fall for it black people, white people only invite us to go camping to see how long we stay alive.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too