@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

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@Fyrekrakr73

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

@omgthatspunny

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.

@BoredomDidIt

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

@treydayway

Don’t fall for it black people, white people only invite us to go camping to see how long we stay alive.

@KyleMcDowell86

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

@simoncholland

This bathroom looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

@KateWhineHall

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

@sixfootcandy

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

@SufficientCharm

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

@finah

reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too