Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
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i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
scrabbled eggs
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.