Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
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Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Employees must applaud the planets.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.