if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
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nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
🤭😂
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.